Monday, January 27, 2014

2014 State of the Union Address: Stuff You Need to Know. Kind of.

It's that time of the year people. And I know what you're thinking: Super Bowl?! Awards season?! Winter Olympics?!...No, no, and no.

It's time for another edition of the State of the Union address! 
Brought to you by the United States Constitution.

You say you're not looking forward to the State of the Union Address (herein referred to as SOTU)?? What's not to look forward to? It's like, the Super Bowl of government and politics!

I would offer you a fantastic drinking game of sorts for the occasion but since drinking games aren't really my thing, I don't have much to offer you. I mean, you can only drink wine so many ways (drink, chug, sip, shot of, etc. etc.) am I right? Just, when you hear things like:
"Let me be clear" 
"middle class"
"fair share"
"Health plan"
...take a drink of your wine. Red, white, sparkling, rose, whatever it is, drink it.
And rest assured...if you like your hangover you can keep it!
...Cause you built that!

I've heard that the President and the First Lady can invite their own personal guests to the shindig, their own VIPs. You wanna know what else I heard?? BO was so impressed by a young kid who invented a marshmallow launcher, that he got invited to the SOTU. A marshmallow launcher. 
Umm hello?? What's a girl gotta do to get an invitation over here?!
I taught my dogs to high-five me. I cooked macaroni and cheese in my crock pot last week. I know all the words to the Barenaked Ladies' One Week; that's a lot of words and to sing them really fast is really impressive and I should get an invitation to the SOTU for it.

Whether my invitation was lost in the mail or not, there's a few things both you and I can expect to hear about in the SOTU:

Yours truly, BO will probably mention "Executive fiat" at some point or another. He's talking about executive order, and the bypassing of Congress in order to get things passed...not the tiny, European car.
Don't get it twisted.

Also, you'll probably hear BO talk about immigration, more specifically a "comprehensive immigration plan," and that if Congress can just bring him a bill, he'll sign it right away...which is a relief considering all the trouble Justin Bieber's gotten himself into and he's Canadian. What would the United States be if Bieber gets deported, or heaven forbid, can't get his work Visa renewed now that he's a criminal??
...better. That's what it would be.

BO might even bring back the climate change talk cause this Polar Vortex is turning out to be one heck of an ess-oh-bee, no?? Good thing I live on the west coast.

I'm pretty sure infrastructure and "shovel-ready jobs" were so 2009, but I'm thinking it might make a comeback in the SOTU 2014 in light of everything going on in New Jersey. Like traffic jams and stuff. Traffic jams, bridge closures, e-mail scandals, infrastructure, it's all kind of the same thing right?
Does BO concern himself with things going on in New Jersey?

If there's one important lesson to be learned here my friends, it's to always stay hydrated!
I'd hate to see another watergate in 2014.

Now go be productive citizens of your community and watch the State of the Union Address, and drink all the wine you can your paws on.
You're gonna need it.

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Sunday, January 26, 2014

A Bach Bash

This weekend was a good one. Mostly because I spent Saturday celebrating my dear friend Mckenzie, who, normally at this time in my post I would be like, "...blogs over at [insert blog name here]," BUT she never got her blog off the ground so I can't really do that. Feel free to make her feel bad about it.

Anyway, Ms. Mckenzie is getting married in March and we celebrated her bachelorette party this weekend. I've known Mckenzie for years, since Jr. High when we were cheerleaders together (go Jags!). Here's us at our high school graduation (go wolves!):
I'll try and find the photos of us from Jr. high, jumping on my trampoline during sleep overs, wearing slippers, flannel pajama pants, and braided pigtails. Get ready. They're good.

Anyway, since we're not in jr. high anymore our idea of recreation has changed, so instead of jumping on the trampoline all night, we started her bachelorette night painting and drinking wine. I've dubbed it:
Where was I when we were trying to think of a good hashtag for all our Insta photos?? Oh yeah...I was there, I just couldn't think of anything good. Too much wine maybe? 
Hopefully Mckenzie doesn't get mad at me for this photo....I think it's really funny so I used it. You're allowed to roast the bride-to-be right? Does posting embarrassing photos count as "roasting??"

We went to the Carrie Curran art studio in Scottsdale, AZ for all you local bloggers. It was fantastic! You can bring your own wine and snacks, and you leave with a fantastic piece of art painted by yours truly...yourself!

The bride-to-be!
Any time we took a picture I had to tell people, "Grab your wine glass so it doesn't look like I'm the only one drinking." ...I wasn't, for the record. They were too. 
CHS alums! (C-H-A-N-D-L-E-R...chandler, let's go!)

I was really nervous to do the painting thing. For some reason paint just makes me nervous. It's so permanent. To which my other dear friend, Jennica replied, "Umm have you ever used permanent marker?? That's permanent too. It's the same thing." 
Fine. Whatever. Not all of us are brave enough to go off-script and paint the Denver skyline in lieu of a couple trees, OK Jennica??
She has her Broncos and the Superbowl on the brain so I guess I can't blame her.

My final product:
Not to shabby eh? I think for my next work of art I'll have Mckenzie sit for 3 hours while I paint a portrait of her.
Kidding. That'd be weird. 

Behold: the ladies of Mckenzie's Bach Bash and our paintings!

After we finished our masterpieces we headed out to get ready and go to dinner.
Old Town Scottsdale was on the agenda, and I proudly wore my "Sassy Pants" button Mckenzie gave me. She's knows me too well. 
Her button, naturally, was "bride" so there was really no guesswork there.

The whole day/night was fantastic and I'm so happy I got to share in the bach bash festivities! Especially since Mckenzie was there for mine...

Can't wait for her big day!

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Thursday, January 23, 2014

Burning Hockey Questions I Need Answers For

Lately my husband and I have been watching a lot of hockey. Truthfully, I'm really only watching it because of him. Nate's a hockey guy, and that's actually the one sport that I really know nothing about. So, in trying to learn the game and watching them play, there's a few questions that I've been wanting to ask: 

What is "off sides" and is it the same "off sides" as in football?

You're allowed to punch people in the face but you sit in the penalty box for tripping someone??

Who are they calling? Is there a bullpen somewhere I don't know about?

What's a Canuck?
Any time there's an icing call it makes me want, well, icing. 

How can you physically keep your eye on the puck with how fast it moves?

How do those referees not get trampled to death?
...or maybe they do?

Toronto Maple Leafs? Is that a typo?

If this is women's hockey...can I play?
...and where can I find a bottle of champaign that big? Or is that a Canadian thing? 

On a scale of Jennifer Lawrence to Justin Bieber, how controversial is Instant Replay in the sport of Hockey?

Enforcers - they play hockey, or their only job is to fight? 

Puck puck bo buck banana fana fo....

What's a Hat Trick, and does it involve Magic?

Lions play hockey???!!

Is the Flying V still a thing?

One thing I do know for sure:
Ducks fly together

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Linking up with Sarah for Fan Friday!
Venus Trapped in Mars

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

10 Signs I'm Not Ready to be a Mom

I could start off this post by telling you how annoying it is to have everyone asking you, "when are you gonna have kids?!!" but to be honest, no one really asks me that.
They know better.
Kids terrify me, and the idea of being in charge of one terrifies me even more. So heres 10 more signs that tell me I'm not ready to be a mom:
1.) Soggy food in the sink while doing dishes makes me gag. So I'm pretty sure poopy diapers are out of the question.

2.) Whenever someone in my news feed announces a pregnancy my first thought is, 
"another one bites the dust." that mean??

3.) I can only oooh and ahhhh over a baby for so long and then I'm over it.
You're really cute, baby. I get it. But I'm gonna go check the score of the baseball game now, K? that mean??

4.) I'm not ready to go nine months without any wine.

5.) The thing I look forward to most on the weekends is sleeping in, and once you have a baby you can't really sleep in for like, the next 18 years.

6.) If I can't figure out what my dogs want when they whine at me, surely I won't be able to figure out what a baby needs.

7.) Child birth.
Don't make me talk about it.
Don't make me listen to you talk about it.

8.) $35 on dog food is a little steep for me. I get the impression that children cost way more than $35. raise and provide for one that is, not to buy one out-right. This is America, you can't buy children.

9.) I've unfollowed everyone's pregnancy, baby, nursery, maternity photos, and parenting boards on Pinterest. No offense or anything.

10.) I'm just too lazy. You moms out there are hard workers and I just don't have it in me right now to rear, and nurture, and grow the future decision makers of the United States of America.
I'm content with a bowl of mac n' cheese and a Real Housewives of anywhere marathon for now.


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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Facts: All Sorts of Updated Goodness

Fact: today was National Hug Day, or something like that.

Fact: that has nothing to do with what I'm going to blog about.

Fact: I'm about to give you all kinds of updates on le blog.

I have both good news and bad news to catch you all up on. Let's start with the good news, because if we were going alphabetically we should start with bad news since B comes before G, but I'm feeling rebellious right now and I feel like starting off in the middle of the alphabet with G, the good news.

Good news:
I put my Valentine's Day decorations up:
In case anyone's keeping track, it's not yet February, which means I'm ahead of schedule, which also means pigs must be flying somewhere.

-I finally virtually, that is, my blog bff Mosby from Simplicity is Key!
It was the first time I've video chatted with anyone from blogland. 
It's true, Mosby stole my blog-friend-turned-video-chatting-friend V Card. 
She's a frisky lady, what can I say? ;)
I can also now confidently say that I'm not being catfished, and Mosby's not a creepy, wrinkled old man whose real name is Arthur and has a pet ferret. 
So that was good news.

I hate talking on the phone because I'm always terrified of awkward silences, so the idea of video chatting had me a little nervous, I can't lie. Cause if you run into an awkward silence while you're video chatting, you're just sitting there looking at each other which just makes for even more awkwardness, and ain't nobody got time for that. Fortunately we didn't have such an encounter and she is just as fabulous via talking to each other as she is texting each other! I got to meet her little kitty Brutus and she got to meet Maycee and Gunther and the whole thing just went smashingly! 
Can't wait to do it again! 

-I got my learn on last weekend, and was able to tour the new Mormon Temple being built here in AZ with a couple of our best friends

I don't know much about Temple building in the LDS faith so it was a really neat learning experience, and the inside of it is was so grand, and elaborate. It was pretty cool. 

-Nate and I went bird hunting, and while we didn't kill any quail, I did think of this awesome hashtag: #allfailnoquail. Cause nobody killed any quails, so everyone failed, no's probably not a good sign if you have to explain your hashtags right??
Also, if you're on the east coast right now, buried under two feet of snow, you can't be mad at me for what you're about to see ok?
And don't worry, you can rub it in my face this summer when you're outdoors gallivanting around enjoying yourself and I'm laying inside on my tile floor with no clothes on trying to cool down from the 120 heat. So it's fair. 

And now for the Bad news:

This happened:
You guessed it, another car accident. For those of you keeping track, that's two car accidents in four months, and I've only had my car back since October, the last time it was repaired from my accident. Nate and I were driving home from work and the guy behind us wasn't paying attention when traffic slowed down, and plowed into us at 50-60mph. 
Remember when I told you about the last accident I was in, and how it wasn't my fault, but rather my alter ego?? I've changed my mind. It's this car.
It's bad ju ju.
I go my whole life, 26 years with no accidents, no tickets, nothing, then all of a sudden I buy this car and bam - two accidents in four months. I'm not happy.

But I am happy about the fact that both you, the reader, and this blog are now up to date. It's like that feeling you get when you clear all your notifications off your phone, and get rid of all those red bubbles that drive you crazy telling you how many emails you have to read...just me??

And on that note, I will bid you all adieu....

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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A Public Plea - No More Bro Country

Alright guys, I have a real bone to pick here, but before I do,

Full disclosure: Country music is my jam. It's my go-to. My fav.

Full disclosure: Country music is terrible right now.
Exhibit A:

This is public plea to put a stop, once and for all, to "Bro Country."

Ever heard of it? It's been described as, "music by and of the tatted, gym-toned, party-hearty young American white dude" (read: douchebag).
"If Florida Georgia Line's 'Cruise' were a guy at a bar, he would sidle up to the hottest blonde in the room, laugh loudly at his own jokes, and, after crashing and burning with a couple of lame pickup lines ask, 'Have you heard this awesome song?!' Whereupon he would whip out his iPhone and dial up the video for Florida Georgia Line's 'Cruise.'"

Make no mistake, I looove a lot of these songs. I gobbled up "Cruise" like junk food on a Sunday before a new diet starts; and then they remixed it with Nelly and gobbled it all up again. But when the only flavor on the table is trucks, jeans, party, girls...wash, rinse, gets a little old.
Real old, actually.

It's easy to spot Bro Country from a mile away.
1.) There will always be misspelled words in the song title, usually in the form of an omitted letter or the addition of a "Z" in place of an "S"

2.) They mention, at least one time, a rapper of some sort

3.) There's auto-tune...

4.) And lots of jewelry. Or wallet chains. Or if you're Brantley Gilbert, both.

I've always loved country music because it was intelligent, each song was unique, and had so much more to offer than "bitches, and ho's, and 'poppin' bottles.'" Unfortunately however, the country version of the aforementioned seems to equate to "girls, tight jeans, and fireball whiskey" (which is delicious, by the way, nobody's denying that). In other words, country music has become so dumbed down, so generic, and so bland, that I literally can't listen to it anymore. I haven't listened to country radio in months because it's so terrible and all sounds the exact same. I'm convinced the same ten songs, no more, no less, are played over and over day after day (all of which, by the way, include some form of bro country).

Luke Bryan you sir, might be the worst offender. You lost me at "Country Girl (Shake it for Me)," and "That's my Kinda Night" is the worst. Your face is adorable, your personality is inviting, but your music and your gyrating is for the birds. I'm over it.

Jason Aldean hit the nail on the head with "Dirt Road Anthem" (which I will still repeat the crap out of, by the way, sooo good) and then tried to replicate it...over, and over, and over again with "1994" and "The Only Way I know"...and Ludacris.

Tim McGraw is a legend and has so many classic songs in his repertoire...and then he ran out of creativity and gave us "Truck Yeah" and "Southern Girl."
Tim, I thought we were friends.

The combination of Brantley Gilbert's new "Bottoms Up," and Jerrod Niemann's new "I can Drink to that All Night" (see above video) is enough to make my head explode.
So. Bad. So, so bad.

Guys, stop rapping.
I'm begging you. Just stop it.
If I wanted to listen to rap, I'd put the radio on a rap station.
If I wanted auto-tune I'd put it on a top-40 station.
I get it. You love to drink. You party your face off. You already told me 2 records ago.

Don't get me wrong, everyone, including myself, loves a party anthem, or a good summer song, but it used to be, for every "Chattahoochee"...

...there was always an "Arlington."

So, men of country music, I challenge you - bring back your intelligence, your individualism, and your creativity, and lay off the keg stands (and the rap). Cause right now you all sound the same and you're basically one big boy band for the entire "country" music industry. And even though you're kind of being a douche right now, I really do love you. And I miss you. So I need you to fix this mmmk?? No more bro country.

Love ya, mean it, ciao.

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