Monday, May 22, 2017

I Spent $27 on Peanut Butter Once...and Other Short Stories

So here's the thing - I follow a lot of like, healthy/fitness/fitspo/cleaneats/cooltreats/atDairyQueen...that used to be like, the tag line for Dairy Queen (or "Dee Qwee" as I much prefer to call it) right? Hot eats, cool treats...AT DAIRY QUEEN! Ok, I'm gonna try this one more time because I meant to start this off talking about healthy Instagram accounts I follow and less than a sentence later I'm talking about Dee Qwee. The strug.

Wild Friends for $27
Ok, so what I meant to say was I follow some healthy Instagram accounts in hopes that I'll make all the healthy recipes and do all the fancy workouts (or twerkouts as I much prefer to call it) one day except the problem is that I don't do any of these things and actually usually end up at Dee Qwee (as evidence by the intro to this post...all roads lead to Dee Qwee). But one night, as I waited patiently at Discount Tire Company for them to put new tires on my truck I decided to change this. One of the aforementioned healthy Insta accounts I follow is Wild Friends and they make like, all natural, organic, cage free, range free, gluten free, dairy free, BPH free, non-GMO, hypoallergenic, peanut butter...or something like that I just know it's peanut butter. And it's healthy peanut butter and healthy food comes with a price tag, people. And as I sat there in Discount Tire Company, scrolling through Instagram I came upon a sale at Wild Friends and I decided for one brief moment in time, I wasn't going to be a simpleton that buys Skippy peanut butter anymore. I was gonna be a fancy person that has fancy foods you can only buy on Instagram. So I didn't hesitate and bought three jars of peanut butter for $27. Twenty seven dollars. When Nate looked at the bank account he's like, "What's Wild Friends for $27?" I said, "Peanut butter." He looked at me confused, "$27 for peanut butter?" I said, "Don't worry it's healthy." And he shook his head at me the way he usually shakes his head at me when he doesn't understand things I do. In the end, the peanut butter was bomb and definitely tasted like $27 dollars-worth so yolo.

Badge Probs
Can I tell you something unfortunate that happened to me recently? I went to use the restroom at work right, and as I lift up my shirt to unbutton my pants, my shirt catches my work badge that's clipped to my pocket and sends my badge flying up into the air. It flipped head over heels a couple times (or whatever the badge equivalent to that is - corner over corner? Edge over edge?) and when it finally comes back down to earth it lands square in the toilet. IN THE TOILET. Fortunately, as it fell it took the toilet seat cover with it so when it landed it actually like, sort of floated for a second on the toilet seat cover. Like a safety raft. A rescue boat. A life vest for my badge. So, before it had a chance to sink and be completely submerged in toilet water, I was able to grab it really quick and dry it off. It landed face down on the side where I had a bunch of emergency phone numbers for work people, so I dried it off, took it back to my desk, threw away the work numbers piece, and wiped my badge down with antibacterial wipes. Wipes - plural. Like, I gave it a good cleaning because I don't know about any of you but the women's restroom sometimes leaves me in awe with just how awful in can smell in there. So, I scrubbed that badge as hard as I could and I think we're as good as new. It still works and unlocks doors and lets me in buildings so, crisis averted. ....I promise I gave it a really good scrub please stop judging me.

Champ Bailey
So one of my dear friends Jennica has a dog named Champ Bailey. The thing is, at the time I only knew Champ Bailey to be Jennica's dog - I didn't realize it was an actual person who played football for the Denver Broncos (Broncos, right Jennica?). One night as I'm casually scrolling through Facebook I notice on the right hand side "Champ Bailey" was trending on Facebook. Jennica's dog is trending on Facebook?? I thought to myself. I started to freak out a little bit like, omg I hope Jennica's dog is ok it's freakin' trending on Facebook what happened it must be really bad or really good but mostly, how do so many people know Jennica's dog that he's trending on Facebook?? I picked up my phone and texted Jennica my concern - Jennica, is your dog ok?? He's trending on Facebook what happened?? This is the part where I learn that Champ Bailey is a football player and was retiring and it was a big deal and so it was trending on Facebook. And Jennica laughed at me like she usually laughs at me when I mess shit up.

Not that Wild
A few weeks ago Nate and I were at Lil C's; as I waited in the car for him to pick up our order he came back and forgot the Crazy Bread. What's Lil C's if not for the Crazy Bread right? So I went in to get some Crazy Bread. I was wearing a t-shirt that says "Wild" on it and the "i" is in the shape of a tree - which isn't really relevant to the story but bottom line is my shirt said Wild. I walk up to the counter and the cashier looks at me and goes, "Hardly." I just looked at him like ummmm...and he goes, "Your shirt says "wild," I hardly believe that." I said, "Oh...can I have an order of Crazy Bread please?" He's like "Yeah, but I don't believe you're that wild. You look kind of like a librarian." I just said, "Oh ok..." as I waited for him to get me my Crazy Bread. You guys, this dude would not. stop. He's like, "A librarian's not a bad thing - my friend is a librarian and she's very nice but she's not wild." I wanted to be like, YEAH AND YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE WHO NEVER STOPS TALKING....but I didn't because I'm too scared to yell at people...probably cause I'm not that wild.

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Sunday, May 14, 2017

Happy Mother's Day

So I was searching through my photo library on my computer trying to find a good picture of my mom and I to post for Mother's Day (like a good daughter) and the more I kept scrolling the more I thought, how the heck am I supposed to pick just one picture? The answer is I can't. So I opted instead, to write a blog post about my mom because that way, I can post a lot of pictures and say a lot more stuff than I can fit into an Instagram caption and also because when I give her her Mother's Day card I can just write, "Please visit for your Mother's Day wishes." JK. Kinda.

If you don't know Sally already, you should. The good thing for me is that I've known her since I was born (hellurr) and she's my bestie.
We're besties because my mom is like, one of the funnest people you'll meet. This works out well for me because I love fun.
Christmas trivia, themed footie pajamas, trips, spontaneous interpretive dancing, snapchat conversations in the ugliest filters they have to offer - there's never a dull moment with my mom.
She knows all the words to "Be Our Guest," "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas," and "Takin' Care of Business" and she's not afraid to sing them. In the middle of a dance floor. At a wedding reception probably. While she's simultaneously cutting a rug cause she does that too. Mom goes hard on the dance floor. 
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree I suppose...
...that's the saying right?

She's also always down to try something new. Like, ariel yoga for example,
Halloween costumes for the better part of the 90s,
Or becoming kayak owners after Nate and I convinced her and my dad to buy some so that we could all paddle together.
She even gave camping another try after swearing it off for years and now she loves it and we hike and we camp and she'll always get in the water no matter how cold it is.
My mom and I also like all the same things. Namely alcohol (and also the aforementioned camping and hiking and kayaking)...
...And also desserts. My mom can eat an impressive amount of desserts in one sitting and if there's one thing I strive to accomplish in life, it's to get on my mom's level when it comes to eating desserts. 
I'm not a mom so I don't think I can fully comprehend what it's like and what sacrifices are required to raise another human being but I imagine it's a lot because when I think about over the course of my entire life - my mom was never not there. She was always there - to talk, to hang out, to take me to gymnastics practice and pick me up from cheer practice, to make dinner for me, to soften the blows when I would come home past curfew and dad wanted to lay the hammer down, to wake me up in the middle of the night to catch Nate when she discovered him and his friends TP-ing the house, to watch me graduate high school and college, and plan my wedding. It's pretty incredible the time and love and investment that's put into raising up another life. And I'd say my mom did it perfectly.

Happy Mother's Day mama! Go on whichya bad self!!

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Monday, May 1, 2017

I Don't Mean to Brag but...

Alright guys, I'm gonna be completely honest here in this post today. You know how people try to like, 'humble brag' all subtly out there on their social media sometimes? Sometimes I get the urge to humble brag but you know what - today, I don't even wanna beat around the bush - I wanna like, straight up brag. Because I feel like there's a lot going right in my life right now and I just want to take this moment and let you all in on it.

So like, 

I don't mean to brag but, I can eat two boxes of Mike & Ike's in one sitting.

I don't mean to brag but, I only have to reverse and re-park my truck like twice before I make it in between the lines. If I park way out far where there's no cars on either side I can usually make in one fell swoop.

I don't mean to brag but, I can snooze my alarm anywhere between 6-10 times and still not wake up.

I don't mean to brag but, I'm taller than most 4th graders.

I don't mean to brag but, I blogged one time in April. ONE time.

I don't mean to brag but, I didn't post any Justin Timberlake "It's gonna be May" memes today. But don't lie, those never get old.

I don't mean to brag but, I can fish laying down. Nate calls it lazy and inefficient but I call it smart. And maybe only slightly inefficient.

I don't mean to brag but, I can go like two weeks without vaccuuming my house and the dog hair really piles up. Like, you might be impressed. Or grossed out one of the two.

I don't mean to brag but, I'm really good at writing passive aggressive emails at work.

I don't mean to brag but, if I spend a whole Saturday on the couch binge watching Netflix (or Impractical Jokers. Or a Harry Potter marathon, perhaps) I can get less than 1,000 steps on my Fitbit for the day.

I don't mean to brag but my right big toe nail still has bruising from when I hiked Reavis Ranch last October. LAST OCTOBER.

I don't mean to brag, but I know all the words to the rap part of Ciara's "1, 2 Step."

I don't mean to brag but, I'm pretty good at sending funny snapchats

Whew. I feel better now. Sometimes the urge to not-so-humbly brag is just too much and you really just need to let it all out am I right?

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