Monday, May 22, 2017

I Spent $27 on Peanut Butter Once...and Other Short Stories

So here's the thing - I follow a lot of like, healthy/fitness/fitspo/cleaneats/cooltreats/atDairyQueen...that used to be like, the tag line for Dairy Queen (or "Dee Qwee" as I much prefer to call it) right? Hot eats, cool treats...AT DAIRY QUEEN! Ok, I'm gonna try this one more time because I meant to start this off talking about healthy Instagram accounts I follow and less than a sentence later I'm talking about Dee Qwee. The strug.

Wild Friends for $27
Ok, so what I meant to say was I follow some healthy Instagram accounts in hopes that I'll make all the healthy recipes and do all the fancy workouts (or twerkouts as I much prefer to call it) one day except the problem is that I don't do any of these things and actually usually end up at Dee Qwee (as evidence by the intro to this post...all roads lead to Dee Qwee). But one night, as I waited patiently at Discount Tire Company for them to put new tires on my truck I decided to change this. One of the aforementioned healthy Insta accounts I follow is Wild Friends and they make like, all natural, organic, cage free, range free, gluten free, dairy free, BPH free, non-GMO, hypoallergenic, peanut butter...or something like that I just know it's peanut butter. And it's healthy peanut butter and healthy food comes with a price tag, people. And as I sat there in Discount Tire Company, scrolling through Instagram I came upon a sale at Wild Friends and I decided for one brief moment in time, I wasn't going to be a simpleton that buys Skippy peanut butter anymore. I was gonna be a fancy person that has fancy foods you can only buy on Instagram. So I didn't hesitate and bought three jars of peanut butter for $27. Twenty seven dollars. When Nate looked at the bank account he's like, "What's Wild Friends for $27?" I said, "Peanut butter." He looked at me confused, "$27 for peanut butter?" I said, "Don't worry it's healthy." And he shook his head at me the way he usually shakes his head at me when he doesn't understand things I do. In the end, the peanut butter was bomb and definitely tasted like $27 dollars-worth so yolo.

Badge Probs
Can I tell you something unfortunate that happened to me recently? I went to use the restroom at work right, and as I lift up my shirt to unbutton my pants, my shirt catches my work badge that's clipped to my pocket and sends my badge flying up into the air. It flipped head over heels a couple times (or whatever the badge equivalent to that is - corner over corner? Edge over edge?) and when it finally comes back down to earth it lands square in the toilet. IN THE TOILET. Fortunately, as it fell it took the toilet seat cover with it so when it landed it actually like, sort of floated for a second on the toilet seat cover. Like a safety raft. A rescue boat. A life vest for my badge. So, before it had a chance to sink and be completely submerged in toilet water, I was able to grab it really quick and dry it off. It landed face down on the side where I had a bunch of emergency phone numbers for work people, so I dried it off, took it back to my desk, threw away the work numbers piece, and wiped my badge down with antibacterial wipes. Wipes - plural. Like, I gave it a good cleaning because I don't know about any of you but the women's restroom sometimes leaves me in awe with just how awful in can smell in there. So, I scrubbed that badge as hard as I could and I think we're as good as new. It still works and unlocks doors and lets me in buildings so, crisis averted. ....I promise I gave it a really good scrub please stop judging me.

Champ Bailey
So one of my dear friends Jennica has a dog named Champ Bailey. The thing is, at the time I only knew Champ Bailey to be Jennica's dog - I didn't realize it was an actual person who played football for the Denver Broncos (Broncos, right Jennica?). One night as I'm casually scrolling through Facebook I notice on the right hand side "Champ Bailey" was trending on Facebook. Jennica's dog is trending on Facebook?? I thought to myself. I started to freak out a little bit like, omg I hope Jennica's dog is ok it's freakin' trending on Facebook what happened it must be really bad or really good but mostly, how do so many people know Jennica's dog that he's trending on Facebook?? I picked up my phone and texted Jennica my concern - Jennica, is your dog ok?? He's trending on Facebook what happened?? This is the part where I learn that Champ Bailey is a football player and was retiring and it was a big deal and so it was trending on Facebook. And Jennica laughed at me like she usually laughs at me when I mess shit up.

Not that Wild
A few weeks ago Nate and I were at Lil C's; as I waited in the car for him to pick up our order he came back and forgot the Crazy Bread. What's Lil C's if not for the Crazy Bread right? So I went in to get some Crazy Bread. I was wearing a t-shirt that says "Wild" on it and the "i" is in the shape of a tree - which isn't really relevant to the story but bottom line is my shirt said Wild. I walk up to the counter and the cashier looks at me and goes, "Hardly." I just looked at him like ummmm...and he goes, "Your shirt says "wild," I hardly believe that." I said, "Oh...can I have an order of Crazy Bread please?" He's like "Yeah, but I don't believe you're that wild. You look kind of like a librarian." I just said, "Oh ok..." as I waited for him to get me my Crazy Bread. You guys, this dude would not. stop. He's like, "A librarian's not a bad thing - my friend is a librarian and she's very nice but she's not wild." I wanted to be like, YEAH AND YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE WHO NEVER STOPS TALKING....but I didn't because I'm too scared to yell at people...probably cause I'm not that wild.


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1 comment:

  1. HAHAH! As a huge Broncos fan, that story made me laugh. That's my best friend's cat's name, too. And Miles. As in the Broncos mascot...in case that ever is trending on FB.

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