Everything I Know About Dating and Relationships I Learned From Shania Twain

So last week I told you all about my weekend in Vegas. I'm here to finish that post, cause I told you all about everything, except for the very thing we went to Vegas for:

Shania Twain.

That's right, THE Shania Twain.

Shania Twain was my jam in the 90's; she was the first CD I ever bought. So when my mom and I found out she was playing in Vegas we decided we were going to make it happen this year. And then when my mom checked the ticket prices and realized she was only there through February 15th we decided we need to make it happen before February 15th. Like, now. Don't worry though, word on the street is she renewed her contract with Caesar's Palace and she'll be back in May for another stint. 

There wasn't any photography allowed during the show, so this is the only picture I got before it started:

But then those curtains opened up and it was as if Moses was parting the Red Seas, except instead of an old dude (Moses was like, hundreds of years old right?) in a robe with a large rod, it was a teeny tiny Canadian with long curly hair and black lace.
And once those seas were parted, there was a lot that went down.

She wore this outfit:

Came on stage on this motorcycle:

Played with horses:

And a crap-ton of other awesome things.

So not only do I have Shania to thank for a fan-freakin-tastic show and for singing all my favorite songs live in concert, I actually have her to thank for much more.
Because everything I learned about dating and relationships I learned from Shania herself. Let's discuss, shall we?

Shania taught me that it's important to know what you want in a man. How can you expect to find Mr. Right if you haven't figured out the qualities you're looking for in a suitor? For example, maybe any man of yours better be proud of you; even when you're ugly he still better love you, and you can be late for a date that's fine but he better be on time. Sounds reasonable right?

Also, in your quest to find Mr. Right, don't fall for all the D-bags out there ok? Cause even if you're a rocket scientst...That shouldn't impress you much.


And for the record, Shania was not impressed before being not impressed was cool.

...or before Mckayla was even born for that matter.

When you start developing feelings for your crush, Shania was ahead of the times when she reminds you that no one needs to know right now, which is code for...keep that shiz off Facebook. No one needs you to spill your heart out via social networking. ...Even in the 90s.

I also learned that once you find Mr. Right it's not unreasonable to have a few expectations in your new courtship. For example, at the end of a work day you come home and you're like, "honey I'm home and I had a hard day!" And all you want is him to pour you a cold one and oh by the way, rub your feet, give you something to eat, fix you up your favorite treat.

I hate it when my hair goes flat too, Shania. Such a pain in the ass.

It might also behove you gentleman out there to listen to Shania too. She'll lay out a couple ground rules for you real quick in the dating game.
For example:
1.) If you wanna touch her...really wanna touch her...if you wanna touch her...ask.


and
2.) Don't be stupid.

Pretty straight forward if you ask me.

If however, your new-found man friend is being stupid, you need to ask the right questions. For example: who's bed have his boots been under?



Also, we can't forget to always make time to go out with the girls. You know, go totally crazy, forget you're a lady, men's shirts, short skirts...cause man! You feel like a woman!

And lastly, if all else fails just use a driving metaphor.

Driving metaphors work for anything.

And there you have it. Why hasn't Shania written a dating book or something?
Taylor could stand to read a chapter or two. 

All hail Shania!

A Public Plea - No More Bro Country

Alright guys, I have a real bone to pick here, but before I do,

Full disclosure: Country music is my jam. It's my go-to. My fav.

Full disclosure: Country music is terrible right now.

Exhibit A:

This is public plea to put a stop, once and for all, to "Bro Country."

Ever heard of it? It's been described as, "music by and of the tatted, gym-toned, party-hearty young American white dude" (read: douchebag).
"If Florida Georgia Line's 'Cruise' were a guy at a bar, he would sidle up to the hottest blonde in the room, laugh loudly at his own jokes, and, after crashing and burning with a couple of lame pickup lines ask, 'Have you heard this awesome song?!' Whereupon he would whip out his iPhone and dial up the video for Florida Georgia Line's 'Cruise.'"
source

Make no mistake, I looove a lot of these songs. I gobbled up "Cruise" like junk food on a Sunday before a new diet starts; and then they remixed it with Nelly and gobbled it all up again. But when the only flavor on the table is trucks, jeans, party, girls...wash, rinse, repeat...it gets a little old.
Real old, actually.

It's easy to spot Bro Country from a mile away.
1.) There will always be misspelled words in the song title, usually in the form of an omitted letter or the addition of a "Z" in place of an "S"
Example(s):

2.) They mention, at least one time, a rapper of some sort

3.) There's auto-tune...


4.) And lots of jewelry. Or wallet chains. Or if you're Brantley Gilbert, both.

I've always loved country music because it was intelligent, each song was unique, and had so much more to offer than "bitches, and ho's, and 'poppin' bottles.'" Unfortunately however, the country version of the aforementioned seems to equate to "girls, tight jeans, and fireball whiskey" (which is delicious, by the way, nobody's denying that). In other words, country music has become so dumbed down, so generic, and so bland, that I literally can't listen to it anymore. I haven't listened to country radio in months because it's so terrible and all sounds the exact same. I'm convinced the same ten songs, no more, no less, are played over and over day after day (all of which, by the way, include some form of bro country).

Luke Bryan you sir, might be the worst offender. You lost me at "Country Girl (Shake it for Me)," and "That's my Kinda Night" is the worst. Your face is adorable, your personality is inviting, but your music and your gyrating is for the birds. I'm over it.

Jason Aldean hit the nail on the head with "Dirt Road Anthem" (which I will still repeat the crap out of, by the way, sooo good) and then tried to replicate it...over, and over, and over again with "1994" and "The Only Way I know"...and Ludacris.

Tim McGraw is a legend and has so many classic songs in his repertoire...and then he ran out of creativity and gave us "Truck Yeah" and "Southern Girl."
Tim, I thought we were friends.

The combination of Brantley Gilbert's new "Bottoms Up," and Jerrod Niemann's new "I can Drink to that All Night" (see above video) is enough to make my head explode.
So. Bad. So, so bad.

Guys, stop rapping.
I'm begging you. Just stop it.
If I wanted to listen to rap, I'd put the radio on a rap station.
If I wanted auto-tune I'd put it on a top-40 station.
I get it. You love to drink. You party your face off. You already told me 2 records ago.

Don't get me wrong, everyone, including myself, loves a party anthem, or a good summer song, but it used to be, for every "Chattahoochee"...


...there was always an "Arlington."


So, men of country music, I challenge you - bring back your intelligence, your individualism, and your creativity, and lay off the keg stands (and the rap). Cause right now you all sound the same and you're basically one big boy band for the entire "country" music industry. And even though you're kind of being a douche right now, I really do love you. And I miss you. So I need you to fix this mmmk?? No more bro country.

Love ya, mean it, ciao.

Backstreet's Back

Last week I enjoyed a blast from the past, and saw the Backstreet Boys in concert for their 

In a World Like This tour. 

My friend and coworker Yaping and I, sang along to all the words and screamed like teenagers whenever Brian opened his mouth to sing...or maybe that was just me.

I'm Team Brian all the way. ...and you should be too

 

They're touring for their new CD, but if we're being honest, I'm pretty sure everyone went to see
them perform the oldies.

The goodies.

The oldies but goodies.

In case you were wondering, Kevin's eyebrows are as thick as ever, Nick still thinks he's the sexy one, Brian still is the sexy one, Howie got rid of his ponytail, and AJ is still weird.

And I love all of it.

When I posted about the concert on Insta I used the hashtag #90sgirlsolutions...cause, well the Backstreet Boys were, and still are full of solutions to your 90s girl problems.

I dub them: Backstreet Solutions

Problem: You're afraid to get into a relationship cause you don't wanna get hurt

Backstreet solution: They'll never break your heart

Problem: There's nothing going on this Friday night
Backstreet solution: They've got it goin' on
...for years mind you.

Problem: You can't find good dating advice in high school
Backstreet solution: If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a bad boy

Problem: It's impossible to find a good, open-minded guy
Backstreet soultion: They don't care who you are, where you're from...heck they don't even care what you did, as long as you love them

Problem: You can't decide if your denim skirt is too short
Backstreet solution: They want it that way

See, and you thought BSB was just a bunch of boy-banders.
I would even go so far as to say, not only do they have a plethora of solutions to offer for your most pressing issues, they also pose deep, though-provoking questions on the issues of the day.
Things like,
Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Am I sexual?...yes, Nick Carter. Yes you are.

On that note, I'm gonna go find my favorite flavor Lip Smacker in my hot pink Caboodle, sit down in my blow-up chair and listen to some more BSB on my Walkman.

I Got This Feelin' on a Summer Day When You Were Gone...

Here's the thing:

I hate house music.
Or techno music.
Or whatever you call it.
I always have, and always will, say heck no to techno.

BUT...

I looooove this song by Icona Pop.
Seriously, so fun.

It came on at the Taylor Swift concert while we were waiting for her to come on stage, and I had never heard it before.

When I got home, I downloaded it on itunes and it's been on repeat ever since.

Yes, it has a few words that I would owe a quarter for if I were still a kid.

Yes, it says the same thing over and over again and they're not even really singing.

But guess what?

I don't care...I love it.

Girlfriend crashed her car into a bridge and watched and let it burn. 

She doesn't care.

She loves it.

So it inspired me to brainstorm my own list of sorts (cause I like lists like that)...

Google chat while at work - I don't care...I love it

I look like a donkey when I Zumba - I don't care...I love it

My husband hates it when I watch baseball. He thinks it's boring - I don't care...I love it 

I hog the sheets and sleep in the middle-ish of the bed - I don't care...I love it

I correct people's grammar - I don't care...I love it

My bed gets all furry when I let Gunther up to snuggle - I don't care...I love it

I'm 26 and I still laugh at fart jokes - I don't care...I love it

More than one Instagram in one day - I don't care...I love it

They say typing in all caps makes it seem like you're shouting - I DON'T CARE...I LOVE IT

...and so on and so forth.

Side-note, I wonder if her real name is Icona Pop?
...Either way, I don't really care.
I love it.

Name That Tune

I have this thing lately, where I like to sing songs to my friends using emojis.

I think it's really fun, and it makes me laugh.

And I'm always down for things that make me laugh.

So last week I decided to serenade my dear friend Mckenzie.

I was in no mood to work that day, and we were meeting up for happy hour that night. So instead of trying to be productive at the office, I just text messaged her all day long about nothing really important.

...I know, employee of the month right hurr. 

And then I thought to myself, "Mckenzie needs a song."

So I sent her one.

And then she sent me the next line to the same song.

And I was like, 

"Oh snap. She sings back."

Can you name these tunes? Think FGL

So after a little Florida Georgia Line (winner winner!), I decided to switch it up a bit.

And then my mind was officially blown.

She's good.

Can you name this tune? Think Blake Shelton

AND THEN my bff Charlene sent me this doozy last weekend.

Can you name this tune? Think Josh Gracin

I won't lie, I feel like I'm gonna need to step up my game with these ladies.

Carla Goes to Taylor Swift

Last week one of my BFFs Kayla, from The Lindholm Life, and I went to see Taylor Swift in Concert for her Red Tour.

Also, if Kayla and I had a celebrity name, we could be called "Carla." You know, Kayla and Carissa...Carla.

I told Kayla in all our years of friendship I can't believe I haven't thought of this sooner. 

Anyway, Kayla and I (ahem, Carla) have a long history of going to see T-Swift together...or as I like to call it, Swifting.

We've Swifted every year she's headlined in Arizona, which is a grand total of three times.

You're not getting any pictures of her first tour, cause they're from so long ago that they're not on my computer anymore, and I don't really feel like going and getting them off my external hard drive.

But check out last years' post HERE

We went all out this year and spent the $38740.00 $30 bucks on T-shirts, like the true fan girls we are.

That and plus I think it helped us blend in better with all the other 13-year-olds there.

That's OK though, ain't no shame in our T-Swift game!

I think it's safe to say Taylor just keeps getting better and better.

Her sets, her stage, her outfits, her sparkly guitars and microphones...you name it, it's better.

Ed Sheeran opened up for her...which by the way, is it just me or does Ed Sheeran remind anyone else of Ron Weasley?

Maybe they're related or something.

They're both British so...maybe?

Anyway, he made an extra cameo on stage during the show to sing their song together.

As she did last year, she had a platform set up in the back of the arena, where she played a handful of songs. This year however, part of it was on hydraulics and it actually raised up quite a ways! You can see it starting to get taller on the bottom right picture above. 

It was pretty sweet. 

And plus, it made it so she was even closer to us.

Which is even more sweet.

We were also treated to the full gamut of Taylor emotions too...as should be expected.

We saw:

Sneaky Taylor

Emphatic Taylor

Bored Taylor

(cause, like, seriously, I already told you, we're like never ever getting back together)

Confused Taylor

(Why won't anyone date me?!)

Sassy Taylor...rawr!

 

Melancholy Taylor

And of course, angsty Taylor

Oh so angsty.

I might've made that word up.

But you get it.

Angst-y.

Old school Taylor also made an appearance, with a stool and her guitar (and a banjo).

And I won't lie, I kinda miss old school Taylor.

But then I forget about how I miss curly-haired Taylor as soon as she starts playing my favorite number of the night, and we dance around enough to put a look on the teenagers' face next to us that says, 

"I'm impressed."

You should be.

Cause we're not that old, OK?

I wish I would've taken a longer video of this one, but you know...I had to keep dancin' like 

we're 22 twenty-six.

And sadly, before we knew it, the show was ending and it was time to go.

...but not before confetti.

Lots of confetti.

The night the Taylor Swift concert ends feels kinda like the day after Christmas for me.

So boring and lonely, with seemingly nothing exciting to look forward to anymore.

I should write a song about that or something.

Can't wait 'til next time!