If I Knew Then What I Know Now...

Guess what today is guys? Wednesday? You're correct...but no.

The 26th of February? Correct...but no. Kind of.

It's my birthday!

I never know the right balance to have on your birthday between not telling anyone and being really obnoxious and telling everyone. For the sake of this blog post (and life in general) I went with the latter. It's the day I was born, and I don't know about you but that sounds like a good day to me. Also, I found this on Twitter:

...and I really wanted someone to sing it to me all day, but I couldn't be like, "hey look at this really funny thing I found on the interwebs! Will you send it to me and pretend that you found it on your own and sent it out of the goodness of your own heart, not because I told you to??" ...but that would probably wouldn't work out in real life the way I had it worked out in my head. Either way, that's not the point of this post and I have no idea why I went down this rabbit trail.

The point of this post is that, any time a birthday rolls around, it's a good opportunity to reflect on your life, the things you've learned, and where you are today. That said, I thought I'd take a moment and reflect on the knowledge I've received so far.

If I knew then, what I know now...

I would've eaten more salt cause there's no bumps behind my ears like my dad told me there would be if I ate too much of it. ...Who doesn't like to clean out the salt on the bottom of the popcorn bowl??

I wouldn't have spent so much of my allowance on TY Beanie Babies, cause it's 2014 and last I checked they're not selling for a million dollars on eBay.

I would've understood a little better, the idea that no trampoline in your backyard gets you a lower homeowners insurance rate. 

...however there's still no excuse for taking a trampoline away from your child

...ahem, mom and dad.

I wouldn't have spent all that time picking out the black seeds in my watermelon, cause it turns out, you can't grow a watermelon in your stomach if you ingest one. Like, it's physically impossible.

I wouldn't have treated the word "piss" like a curse word. ...It's really not that big a deal.

I would never have started watching Real Housewives of anywhere, cause now I can't stop.

I would've waited until Pinterest and Instagram to get married.

I had to plan my wedding without Pinterest. My wedding didn't even have its own hashtag. What kind of world is it when your wedding doesn't have its own hashtag??

I wouldn't have made myself look like an idiot and insisted to people throughout the entire duration of high school, "no really, this is it, we're not getting back together"...cause we all know how that turned out.

I wouldn't have wasted my time with all the lessons in patience my parents tried to teach me, because nothing teaches you patience more than being a Sprint customer wanting to check your Facebook feed on your mobile device only to have the words "Network Error" staring right back at you.

#SprintProbs

I would've started a blog a long time ago.

I wouldn't have judged my 7th grade computer teacher for having grey hair, a ponytail and the last name "Raper." Turns out Mr. Raper wasn't as dangerous (or creepy) as he looked (or as his name maybe kinda sorta implied) and I learned all about typing efficiency and the home keys that year. Thanks, Mr. Raper.

I would've paid more attention during math so that maybe I wouldn't have to count on my fingers these days.

I would've remembered to put my hamster back in his cage after I took him out to clean it that one time so that maybe he didn't have to die a slow death in the wilderness that is backyard suburbia...or fast maybe depending on if the dogs got to him. 

RIP Skippy.

And there it is. Things I would do differently if I knew then what I know now.

Hindsight is always 20/20 right?

Coulda woulda shoulda.

And on that note, I'm out folks. Gotta go get my birthday on.

Everything I Know About Dating and Relationships I Learned From Shania Twain

So last week I told you all about my weekend in Vegas. I'm here to finish that post, cause I told you all about everything, except for the very thing we went to Vegas for:

Shania Twain.

That's right, THE Shania Twain.

Shania Twain was my jam in the 90's; she was the first CD I ever bought. So when my mom and I found out she was playing in Vegas we decided we were going to make it happen this year. And then when my mom checked the ticket prices and realized she was only there through February 15th we decided we need to make it happen before February 15th. Like, now. Don't worry though, word on the street is she renewed her contract with Caesar's Palace and she'll be back in May for another stint. 

There wasn't any photography allowed during the show, so this is the only picture I got before it started:

But then those curtains opened up and it was as if Moses was parting the Red Seas, except instead of an old dude (Moses was like, hundreds of years old right?) in a robe with a large rod, it was a teeny tiny Canadian with long curly hair and black lace.
And once those seas were parted, there was a lot that went down.

She wore this outfit:

Came on stage on this motorcycle:

Played with horses:

And a crap-ton of other awesome things.

So not only do I have Shania to thank for a fan-freakin-tastic show and for singing all my favorite songs live in concert, I actually have her to thank for much more.
Because everything I learned about dating and relationships I learned from Shania herself. Let's discuss, shall we?

Shania taught me that it's important to know what you want in a man. How can you expect to find Mr. Right if you haven't figured out the qualities you're looking for in a suitor? For example, maybe any man of yours better be proud of you; even when you're ugly he still better love you, and you can be late for a date that's fine but he better be on time. Sounds reasonable right?

Also, in your quest to find Mr. Right, don't fall for all the D-bags out there ok? Cause even if you're a rocket scientst...That shouldn't impress you much.


And for the record, Shania was not impressed before being not impressed was cool.

...or before Mckayla was even born for that matter.

When you start developing feelings for your crush, Shania was ahead of the times when she reminds you that no one needs to know right now, which is code for...keep that shiz off Facebook. No one needs you to spill your heart out via social networking. ...Even in the 90s.

I also learned that once you find Mr. Right it's not unreasonable to have a few expectations in your new courtship. For example, at the end of a work day you come home and you're like, "honey I'm home and I had a hard day!" And all you want is him to pour you a cold one and oh by the way, rub your feet, give you something to eat, fix you up your favorite treat.

I hate it when my hair goes flat too, Shania. Such a pain in the ass.

It might also behove you gentleman out there to listen to Shania too. She'll lay out a couple ground rules for you real quick in the dating game.
For example:
1.) If you wanna touch her...really wanna touch her...if you wanna touch her...ask.


and
2.) Don't be stupid.

Pretty straight forward if you ask me.

If however, your new-found man friend is being stupid, you need to ask the right questions. For example: who's bed have his boots been under?



Also, we can't forget to always make time to go out with the girls. You know, go totally crazy, forget you're a lady, men's shirts, short skirts...cause man! You feel like a woman!

And lastly, if all else fails just use a driving metaphor.

Driving metaphors work for anything.

And there you have it. Why hasn't Shania written a dating book or something?
Taylor could stand to read a chapter or two. 

All hail Shania!

My Weekend in Numbers

...Because the easiest way to recap your weekend is to quantify it.

Number of goodbye's I said...nay, number of "see you later's" I said: One

I hate goodbye's. I much prefer "later man." So that's what I said to our good friend Abel who is headed overseas with the Marine's for a deployment.

See you soon man!

Number of Tone it Up Nutrition Plans I purchased: One

Number of pages I printed at my parents house to print said Nutrition Plan: 191 

Number of Ink cartridges I had to replace while printing 191 pages: Two

Number of stink-eyes my Dad gave me while using up two ink cartridges and 191 pages worth of his supplies: probably a bunch

Number of times I told Nate to go shower after he got home from fishing all weekend (cause, pew!): Six-ish

Number of credit cards paid off: One

Number of credit cards paid off in 2014: Two (woop woop!)

Number of loads of laundry I did: Seven

Number of new laundry products I bought because I can't get my towels to smell good after washing and drying them: Three

Does anyone else have an issue with this??

Number, between one and ten, at which I would rate these bad boys:

Eleven

Go drink one. Now.

Number of tickets to the first Diamondbacks spring training game Nate surprised me with for my birthday: Two 

The Diamondbacks had my birthday written on their calendar and must've decided to open their spring training schedule on that day as their gift to me.

I just know it.

And that's about all the number crunching I have for this weekend. And by "crunching" I really mean just counting. If I actually had to number crunch for a blog post...there wouldn't be a blog post. But counting, I can handle that.

Happy Monday friends!

Vegas Weekend

So last weekend (er, the weekend before the one that just passed) you may or may not know that I went to see Shania Twain in concert. This is gonna be my attempt to tell you all about it. Everything except the concert that is; I'm not gonna get to that today and I'm just gonna be honest with you about it cause I hate it when TV shows constantly tease what's coming up after the commercial break, and then when it actually comes, it gets no further (farther?) than what they were teasing in the first place and they're like, to be continued! This is in fact, gonna be continued cause the Suns are playing and the game is kind of close-ish and it needs to have my full attention shortly. 

 Phew, that was like, two back-to-back really long run-on sentences.

Anyway, I took a half day at work last Friday (er, the Friday before the one that just passed) and my mom and I hit the road to Vegas! I texted both my dad and my aunt (whose home was our destination) to let them know we were on the road and neither one of them texted me back. I gave them the time it took me to finish my Sonic burger and my Route 44 Diet Coke with regular cherry syrup and easy ice, to text me back until it was time to follow that up with my "don't ignore me" text. I can see when you've "read" my iMessage ok Dad?? But I digress, how did I get to telling you about my text messaging conversation??...

We arrived in Vegas Friday night, and Saturday was for hanging out on the strip! First stop: the Wicked Spoon

My biggest regret in life is wearing skinny jeans to a brunch buffet. Was I high?? 

There was food as far as the eye can see - breakfast food, lunch food, food I'd never heard of, desserts all over the place, and there I was in skinny jeans. 

Don't do it guys. Leave your skinny jeans at home. Cause not only are you going to eat your little heart out but you're also going to drink enough mimosas to fill a small pool, cause they're bottomless. Like, they can't tell you "no, that's enough mimosas for you," they have to keep bringing them to you.

And then after some eggs benedict, french toast, 3 servings of mac and cheese, a breakfast sandwich, some salami, a fruit and yogurt parfait, a couple pieces of bacon, and  some other food I'm sure I'm forgetting... I had dessert.

One in each hand. 

Is there really any other way?

No, there's not. And I don't care that the manager has circled our table three times now, I'm gonna keep eating my dessert and have another mimosa cause this is a buffet and that's what you do. 

And then after the buffet you waddle around and groan and continuously repeat to yourself, "I can't believe how full I am" all afternoon. And that's what we did. Cause gravity needed to do it's job after a buffet like that, so we walked up and down the strip for the rest of the day. And it hurt. My stomach, not my feet. 

And then Saturday night I had to sleep on my back all night cause if I dared lay on my stomach I might've given birth to a food baby. 

By the time Sunday morning rolled around I was still full, so it was probably a good thing that we all went out on a hike, my aunt and uncle, their adorable pups, and my mom and I. The more walking the better.

See, and you thought Vegas was only the strip.

The noun, 'strip', not to be confused with the verb 'strip'. There was none of that happening this weekend.

After our hike, we cleaned up and there was finally enough room in my belly to stuff my face for round 2...so that's what we did. We went to lunch at a place we saw on the Food Network the night before, which was conveniently located not far from my aunt and uncle's house!

It was as delicious as it looks. Also, there's a fried egg on this hamburger which officially takes my fried-egg-on-a-hamburger V card. For so long people raved about fried eggs on their hamburgers and quite frankly, now I get it.

And if hamburgers with an asian flair and french fries with parmesan cheese and sauce drizzled all over them aren't enough...on our way home we stopped at the candy store next door and look who I found:

Oh, and also:

 I mean, I bought some Milk Duds but my highlight of the candy shop was definitely Leonard and Sheldon. And also the Harry Potter chocolate I bought that came with a trading card of Gilderoy Lockhart....that's now up in my cubicle at work...so people can know just how cool I am.

Sunday afternoon we watched the Olympics, discussed what it is about Meryl Davis that looks so weird, and took a couple naps.

That's Meryl Davis, not us taking naps. 

Sunday night was the night of the show, so we headed to the strip a couple hours early to see the Stratosphere. We made our way up to the lounge on the 107th floor, conveniently named "Level 107 Lounge" and had some drinks and appetizers for happy hour.

This one I get. When we went to the George W. Bush Library in Dallas last fall, we ate at the cafe conveniently named, "Cafe 43" and I didn't put it together that he was the 43rd President until after we left.

Cafe 43...the 43rd President...You win some you lose some I suppose. Just ask Al Gore.

Our view as the sun went down:

I didn't ride any of the rides on top of the Stratosphere because quite frankly, I choose life. And there's really not much more to say about that.

And that's where it ends folks. Cause the Suns are in overtime in Denver, and naturally, that requires my full attention.

Next up: Shania!!!

Weekend Wrap-Up - Cause I Can't Think of a More Creative Title

It's been a while eh? For some reason I just didn't have the blogging bug last week. It's not like I was super busy or anything like that...I just didn't have anything to write about.

Actually, I take that back - I had a lot to write about, I was just too lazy to actually put pen to paper (er, fingers to keyboard?) and write. But thanks to this lovely Sunday night and this glass (or two-ish) of Gerwurztraminer (it's a real word...and a real wine) I suddenly have things to say.

Things like: what I did this weekend. AND the good news is that my weekend isn't even really over yet. Thank you President's Day! It's holidays like this where I luuuuuurve working for the government.

Last week I was feeling like a terrible dog mom cause the dogs hadn't had anything fun to do, so I suggested we go up north and take the dogs, and walk around and hang out. Cause that's what you do when the weather is perfect and you're a terrible dog mom. It's an interesting combination isn't it?

So we drove a couple hours northward (northbound?) and stopped first at Canyon Creek. 

 As soon as we made it past the two families at the very tip of the creek, the leashes were off and so were the labs!

Maycee was in the zone all day...

My favorite part of wanting to go up north for the day, is that it's kind of like ordering off a menu. I tell my husband, "Nate, I wanna take the dogs up north for the day; do you know where we could go?" And he replies with, "Yeah, it just depends on what roads are open." Once we find out what roads are open, then there's a plethora of options, 

"Well do you want a lake, or a stream? 

A hike or just an easy walk? 

Do you want to see the Fish Hatchery?"

I could show you where the rope swing is, do you want to see the rope swing?"

That Nathan, he's full of options.

After Canyon Creek we cruised on over to the next spot where we ate lunch (i.e. a couple of Lunchables; I don't care how old you are, those things are delicous) and yes, he showed me the rope swing. Also, I picked up this wine on our way out of town...I mean, I couldn't not buy it right?

Lower Canyon Creek was up after lunch, and since there were fisherman around we couldn't let the dogs off the leash...cause we're responsible dog owners like that.

On our way home we (and when I say we, I really mean just Nate) spotted a doe not far from the road...see if you can find her:

That natural camouflage is something else isn't it?? 

Maycee was so freakin' pooped on the way home she didn't even care that Gunther straight up laid right on top of her. She didn't even try to move.

Sunday was nothing worth taking pictures of; no one wants to see pictures of laundry, errands, or me sitting at a computer blogging my little heart out. Although we did try out a new brunch place this morning and I had some delicious eggs benedict. People would definitely want to see pictures of eggs benedict. I don't have any though, so you'll have to go elsewhere for that. I don't mess around when there's a plate of eggs benedict in front of me. 

And on that note, I'm gonna go finish this long weekend with who knows what. Definitely not any more Gerwurztraminer, that stuff is long gone. All the more reason to end this blog post.

Happy Monday, and happy (happy?) President's Day!