Blogmas Day 23: Festivus - The Airing of Grievances

Today is December 23rd and as such, we gather here today to celebrate Festivus - a festival for the rest of us. 

If you are unaware of the origins of Festivus it comes from a 1997 episode of Seinfeld that has in turn, become a beloved holiday wherein people of the internet rain down to publicly air their grievances and advise everyone else of all the ways in which they have disappointed you over the last year.

And so that is what we are here to do today. Let the airing of grievances commence. 

Firstly, I would like to speak directly to internet providers. Internet providers - wut is u doin? We have almost the entirety of the workforce at home, we need you to work. We need your speed. Your bands of width. All of your gigs and your megas and your hertz. We need more power. Work harder, internet providers because we are paying way too much only for our Webex to freeze when too many people have their video cameras on. Do better. 

Speaking of speed, home builders - hurry it up. HURRY. IT. UP. You are taking way too long to build my house and I am not happy about it. 

To the hoarders, the panic-buyers, the non-sensical dolts running around taking all the toilet paper - you need to stop. You never should have started in the first place. We are all very angry with you for leaving us with the bottom of the barrel toilet paper, the worst of the worst, the thinnest, most inefficient, ineffective toilet paper that has been shredding in our cracks and crevices since the spring. You are the worst.

Tik Tok dances. Make them stop. Make them go the way of the dodo, never to return again. 

I also would like to address Drive Thru's. Drive Thru's - we are in a worldwide pandemic wherein, dining rooms are closed and people are doing everything they can to avoid other people. In turn, this increases the volume of vehicles in your drive thru. You are busy. Did you not prepare for this? Where is your staff? Why is your second lane closed? Did you not call Chick-Fil-A, the world's most methodical, efficient, high performing drive thru establishment this world has ever seen, to consult with their drive thru people? It would've been their pleasure to assist in improving your drive thru business model. 

To the news - shut. the. f**k. up. All of you. I mean it.

To the social media companies - I have a lot of bones to pick with you. Firstly, stop trying to all look the same? First we had Instagram stories, then Facebook jumped on that train, and now Twitter has "Fleets." Nobody wants a Fleet, Twitter. Make social media apps different again. Secondly, can we please have our feeds back in sequential order again? Nobody wants your algorithms. You can't sit with us and your algorithms. Thirdly, I mean this in all sincerity and I know it might hurt to hear it but, you are not the all knowing, all deciphering, omnipresent arbiters of truth. Quit with the "misinformation" labels. They're dumb and inconsistent. Your misinformation is misinformation, so how you do you like them apples huh?

I would be remiss if I did not mention dogs. Dogs - I love you but it is 2020, the year of work-from-home. I understand that barking is one of your beloved past times but why do you wait until mom is on a conference call, specifically when mom takes herself off mute, to begin your vocal activities? Can we find a better, more mutually agreeable time for you to bark like the wild animal that you are?

What grievances are you airing on this fine Festivus day?!