The Misadventures of Rissa After Dark Vol. 1

This post is not going to be as dirty as the title sounds. I'm realizing in hindsight any title with "after dark" in it could be construed as salacious but I assure you, this post is not. Does that make this clickbait? I don't think enough people read my blog for any post to be considered clickbait but what do I know? I do know that I'm taking forever to get to the point of this post so I am now officially moving on.

So here's the thing - I feel like as woman, with slightly dramatic tendencies, who does not like bugs and creepy crawlies, I actually do fairly decent with bugs and creepy crawlies. Like, I can take care of myself and smash some crickets and catch a moth from the air with my bare hands to get by when I need to (Moths aren't creepy but I'm trying to sound tough here so go with it). Up until recently this included spiders. Like, normal sized, manageable spiders. I have become fairly capable of disposing of creepy crawlies on my own because all the creepy crawlies wait until Nate leaves for work at night to come out and play. Thereby requiring me to take care of business. How considerate of them.

So on a casual Monday night Nate has left for work and I am alone, drinking wine (yes wine on a Monday), writing in my bullet journal whilst watching Wine Country on Netflix wishing I was as funny as Amy Poehler. A stellar Monday night by all accounts. Until the credits start to roll and I notice something on the wall in my peripheral.

IT IS THIS:

OH. HELL. NO.
RED ALERT
DEFCON 5
THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT
ACTIVATE: PANIC MODE

There's a few things to cover here:
1.) As I mentioned before, I can (or at least thought) I could say I am not afraid of spiders. I have never been afraid of spiders before.
2.) I can also say I don't think I've ever seen a spider this big in real life.
3.) I HAVE ALSO NEVER SEEN A SPIDER THIS BIG IN REAL LIFE IN MY LIVING ROOM.

My face is red and I am breathing heavy and I am standing in the middle of my living room deciding what to do. First, I text Nate - who is out working fighting actual crime and saving people from danger but like, I'm also really feeling like I'm in danger at this moment and SOS. I text him, "HELP ME. WHAT DO I DO." No response. I call him. He does not answer.

I google, "How to kill a huge spider" wondering if I can spray it to death with hair spray because I did that to a bee once and it worked. But all Google gives me more or less is, "smash it." NO CAN DO, GOOGLE. I cannot. I can't and I shan't.

I call my neighbor. My neighbor who I say hi to in passing and make conversation with but also probably doesn't even know I have his phone number but Nate gave it to me in case of an emergency AND THIS FEELS LIKE AN EMERGENCY. He does not answer. I try a text, it went something like "Hi it's Carissa next door are you by chance awake?" and then something about, "this is so embarrassing but..." No response. How embarrassing.

I call my dad and he does not answer. I return to Google to see if I can find even one testimony that tells me I can spray hair spray on this thing and it will die (I don't). And then a miracle happens: my dad calls me back. I answer with something like, "hii'msosorrytocallyoulatebutthereisahugespideronmywallandidon'tknowwhattodohowdoikillitletmesendyouapictureHELPME." (exhales). My father, bless his soul says, "ok hold on I'll be right over." He'll be right over. The calvary is coming.

I continue to stand in the middle of my living room not taking an eye off the spider for the entire duration it takes my dad to drive over to my house. He knocks, I answer, he looks at me with a hint of, "what is wrong with you" on his face but he doesn't say it. Bless him. I grab what he tells me and we (lol not me, just him) eventually shimmy the spider off the wall, into a tupperware container and then into a garbage bag. He takes the garbage bag out to the trash can on the curb.

Crisis averted.
Spider extracted.

Am I a 32 year old woman who needs her dad to drive over to her house at 10:30pm to kill a spider for her? Yes. Apparently I am. Am I proud of that? No, I am not. But desperate times call for desperate measures people, and spiders the size of a manatee make me shameless. Nate relentlessly made fun of me the next morning (and all week, really. Will probably again, after reading this post), my mom continued to taunt me by texting me gifs of crawling spiders, and I had to issue a mea culpa to my next door neighbor for my embarrassing cry for help. I sent him a picture of the spider for good measure - so he didn't think I was completely crazy.

Now, please send me comments telling me I was not overreacting and you would've handled the situation the exact same way because what a huge spider! Thank you all for your support.